And i choose not to love you anymore..

I am oxygen that some will never breath,
yet the euphoria found in suffocation.
I am love that some will ever embrace,
yet the delight found in heartbreak.
I am strength that some will never use,
yet the victory found in weakness.
I am the food that some will never eat,
yet the peace found in starvation.
I am dreams that some will never see,
yet the satisfaction in sleplessness.
I am life that some will never live,
yet the oblivion found in death.

I am everything that u want me to be,
but i am not myself anymore...

There are people i know do not care for me anymore, if they ever really cared for me in the true sense.I Shall never know if what was earlier was really true or the picture that i see now is the real one.. but the fact remain "U were never there for me, when i really needed someone to be with me the most. U were never really bothered to find out how i was,what was i going through.U got all the signals that i needed to meet you, i needed to talk and say things to you, but u made your choices, and now i make mine.."

"Actions always mean more than words, actions cant be faked, words can be played around with".

Saying all this doesnt matter anymore, but i just couldn keep it to myself..It just had to come out. Please dont ask me what all this is about.. 'Silence' is and will be my only reply..

I have a new Boss...

[13:54] Me: plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz gimme one chance....
[13:54] She: nahi never
13:55] She: do u promise to do all my work?
[13:55] Me: ok i'll try my best
[13:56] Me: now can u be my boss???
[13:56] She: and ur salary will be Rs.100 per month
[13:56] Me: no i want 110
[13:56] She: nahi no way
[13:56] Me: plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
[13:56] She: 100 else ure not hired
[13:57] Me: ok ok...105..this will be fine naa...
[13:57] She: 10Rs increment after 1 yr
[13:57] Me: i want 105....else..
[13:57] She: nahi i cant decid tht...hr will...but i say NO
[13:57] She: thik hai 105
[13:58] Me: ok boss...when can i go onsite???
[13:58] She: after 10 yrs
[13:59] Me: 10 yrs???
[13:59] She: haan
[13:59] Me: what if i show remarkable performance..can i go earlier than that then???
[14:00] She: maybe in 9 and a half yrs
[14:00] She: no less than tht
[14:00] Me: nahin i wanna go in 9 yrs...
[14:00] She: noooooooooooooooooooooo
[14:00] Me: u see i cant waste time...
[14:00] She: i cant compromise on everything
[14:00] Me: u want me to wait 6 months more..
[14:00] She: as it is i'm giving u too much sal
[14:00] Me: 9 yrs is ok...lekin 9 yrs 6 months..
[14:01] Me: outrageous[14:01]
[14:01] She: nahi 9 yrs 6 months
[14:01] She: join if u want
[14:01] She: else go
[14:01] Me: ok ok..cool down boss
[14:01] She: ;-)
[14:01] Me: y do u talk abt going :-(
[14:02] She: hmmm
[14:03] Me: ok, how many leave's can i take in a year???
[14:03] She: 2
[14:03] Me: ....say the number after 2
[14:04] She: 2 leaves per yr
[14:04] She: thts all
[14:04] Me: only 2???
[14:04] She: n u have to work on saturdays also
14:04] Me: aiela
[14:04] She: half day
[14:04] She: on sat 10am - 2pm
[14:04] Me: is this a school???
[14:05] She: weekdays - 9am - 9pm
14:05] Me: btw... on which platform i will work on??
[14:05] Me: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[14:05] She: 1 hr lunch Brk
[14:05] Me: 9 to 9
[14:05] Me: :O
[14:05] She: haan
[14:06] She: u'll work on batch processing systems...we dont have enough funding for computers
[14:06] Me: hmmm.. if i finish my work early sometime, can i take u out for dinner???
[14:06] She: in ur 105Rs salary?
[14:06] She: i dont think so
[14:07] She: road pe khaayenge kya??
[14:07] Me: wont i get a 'dating' allowance???
[14:07] She: if u perform well for 5 yrs, u'll get an extra allowance of Rs.50 per month
[14:07] Me: hmmm.....
[14:08] Me: btw what were u saying abt the work.. and platform...
[14:08] She: batch processing systems
[14:08] She: no modern computers
[14:09] Me: hey..
[14:09] Me: i have experience only in one platform...
[14:09] She: ?
[14:09] She: which one?
[14:10] Me: Railway
[14:10] She: haan tho coolie ka kaam de doo??
[14:11] Me: :-(
[14:11] Me: i had got a promotion 2 yrs back from that post
[14:11] She: acchhaaaaaaaa
[14:11] Me: yaa...
[14:11] She: abhi kya karte ho?
[14:11] Me: its a very loooong story....
[14:11] Me: abhi...i outsource that
[14:12] She: hmmm
[14:12] Me: so i started getting along in comp's
[14:12] She: dekh dont waste my time...do u want the job or not?
[14:12] Me: lemme tell u my strengths
[14:13] Me: suno na suno naa sun loo naa..( i can sing too )
[14:14] She: ok can u operate batch proc systems?
[14:14] Me: i dunno what that is.. but i can learn...i am a very fast learner..
[14:14] Me: i learnt sending mails in only 2 months...
[14:14] Me: amd i have successfully sent 100 mails so far
[14:15] She: hmmm
[14:15] Me: now temme what do u think?? can i go onsite after 9 yrs???
[14:15] She: so now i know u wil be wastin lot of my company's bandwidth
[14:15] She: with ur emails
[14:15] She: :X
[14:15] Me: noo...
[14:16] Me: i will use the net only from the govt library, where net is free for all
[14:16] Me: i go there everyday
[14:16] She: haan thik hai...but stil 9.5yrs no reduction in tht
[14:16] Me: and u know that librarian likes me a lot...she's a huge fan of me...
[14:17] She: why r u tellin me these stories?
[14:17] Me: she takes my autograph everyday before i leave.. have u ever met sucha a fan before???
[14:17] She: yaar kahaniyaan mat suna
14:17] Me: to show that i have good inter personal skills also
[14:17] She: i only need u to operate batch systems...no interaction with other ppl
[14:18] Me: hmmm....
[14:18] Me: ok madam... is there anything else that i need to know???
[14:18] She: when can u join us?
[14:19] Me: Hmmmmmm.....When i come there.
[14:19] She: u'll have to join on that day itself
[14:19] She: no delays
[14:20] Me: ok..i'll join u on the railway station itself
[14:20] She: no come down to our office
[14:20] Me: hmmm...
[14:20] Me: do i need to start workin on that day itself??
[14:21] She: yes..u'll have a 1hr training
[14:21] Me: madam ji...ther is a small problem
[14:21] Me: i have a frnd, and i need to meet her on that day itself..
[14:22] She: u can meet after 9pm
[14:22] Me: after 9 PM...she would mind probably...
[14:22] Me: i hope u understand
14:22] She: ok i'll let u go at 8pm
[14:22] Me: i will work overtime and make up for the lost hrs of work
[14:23] She: haan thik hai
[14:23] She: 8pm
[14:23] Me: and i will have my lunch break for 3 hrs...
[14:23] She: no way..our gates r locked everyday til 9pm
[14:23] She: u cant go out
14:23] Me: i'll jump out..
[14:23] Me: thats another of my speciality
[14:23] She: nah...we have electocuted walls...
[14:24] Me: i will drink red bull, it'll gimme wings and i'll fly out
[14:24] She: X(
[14:24] She: i wont hire u
[14:24] She: ure rejected
[14:24] Me: :-(
[14:25] Me: ok madam ji.. i'll work
[14:25] Me: i wont run away or fly away
14:25] Me: plzzz i need this job very badly
[14:25] Me: dont reject me
[14:25] She: haan thik hai
[14:25] She: fine
[14:25] She: come to my office...

The text above has been duly edited and abridged, of course, with prior permission from my Boss( well, almost)... ;-)

Still life goes on...

And i can no longer bear it... insecurity gripping me, silence surrounding me and all of a sudden my heartbeat seemed to be the only thing that creates any noise in the world that i live in...I let go a sigh, just to make some more noise, and then i breath to add some more to it... and then all the silence is shattered as one more wave crashes down, and desperately tries to roll its way down to my feet.. it fails, and in no time the huge body of water pulls the part of water that tried to break away from her back, submissively the wave makes its way back from where it had come from..and the silence is back again.

This isnt the silence that hurts, its an amazingly beautiful silence, that lasts only a moment, but gives the feeling as if it'd been present since forever. Restless as the ocean is, another wave comes by trying to reach the land, maybe it is exhausted rolling and tossing up and down all day, for soo many days, weeks, months...or even more.. this time its a bigger and a stronger one..it tries harder, this time it touches me, drowning my feet in the cold,salty water.. Fervently, it tries to hold on to the land that it has made its way to... but to its dismay, the land betrays him.. it just slips away from beneath it.dejected and deceived, the wave gives up the struggle and silently lets the ocean gallop it..

Deep down inside it thinks " Why do i have to be captured over and over again?? Why cant i be free? why cant i just decide where i have to go? Do i need to be steered and led by the ocean??when will i be free??How much more do i have to struggle,how many more times will i be captured?? Why cant i be like the river, which just flows and keeps flowing, as it pleases to, with noone to lead,it just keeps flowing freely with all its freedom and happiness... What have i done wrong to land up here?? Cant i even get a break from this struggle so that i can rejuvinate myself and be prepared to fight again, maybe in can start afresh, and maybe this time the results may change"...and this just keeps happening.. The waves get restless, create noise and try to break away from the mamoth water body, and the ocean just soo effortlessly balks these plans with soo much silence as if nothing had happened, and everything is all soo very peaceful..

I get up to leave, and suddenly i realise that these waves are soo very like me.. in so many ways.. not just like me, but maybe like you too..maybe like everyone, and everything.. there is just such a strong analogy it has with soo many things..i reach back home, thinkin about all this, go to the bed and lie down.. but i cant sleep.. i remember saying and thinkin of the things that i used to think for so many times " I need a break, i need a change""I have had enough, i cant take this anymore" i also start thinking that thinkin does nothing, but aggravates my pain, and instead of brooding over the things i'd have rather done somethin else... but what?? i dunno.... How many times havent i thought of making a fresh start, taking things from the scrap, just in the hope that thngs would go my way this time... But the fact is, the start has already been made, what has happened cant be changed...and only the future lies in ur hands.. u can never go back and make a good start..Somehow i cant help but think I'm the wave and life is the ocean and the only positive thing i can derive from this is... no matter how many times the wave fails, it never gives up or surrenders to the ocean...
still the struggle goes on, and still life goes on....

Far away for far too long....

This time, This place
Misused, MistakesToo long,
Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing
ifI don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know
We've been far away for far too long
But you know,
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you and I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go....


Coz we have been far away for far too long...
come here and just hold me,
Coz i need u like i've needed you never before
coz i've seen u in a way like never before
coz i've dreamt of u and me never before..
Coz i've realised that I love you...